As the sun rose on the water-based Astro at Saint Hill, the remnants of the Saints were returning from an all-nighter in Brixton. The lucky ones had stolen a 5 minute pussy nap on the return limo drive. We had lost several key members in an nasty incident earlier on in the evening, Henry had decided to accompany our mascot Spank the Monkey, to the toilet in Gammon Gates, a newly opened bar in The Elephant and Castle. He was later to be seen dancing with what looked like a Policeman with a non-regulation moustache. It was decided to drop him from the team for a week for this sinful behaviour... it was clearly Dave's turn!

The Oxted match has always provided many highlights in previous years and this one was no exception. The Saints were invigorated by the pre-match team assisted bath and sauna. Once again TBag refused the crack, sack and back waxing option, choosing instead to sport the Silverback look for another season.

Oxted were invited to partake in a drugs test, to which only a select few accepted. The drugs were of splendid quality. Miss Miggins provided her peace pipe in an effort to calm the nerves before the game. Terry, from Oxted was very taken by Mrs.Miggins Snr, a spinster from Eastbourne, especially when she offered up her novelty comedy shaped bacon flavoured mouses ears, as a pre-taster to her badger delight.

The game commenced at a break-neck pace, both teams coming close to retaining possession for more than three consecutive passes. The Saints, rather controversially, opted for a potato shaped formation, whilst Oxted chose one that resembled a classic nimbus stratus cloud arrangement. Rather predictably, the opposition slipped ahead. As is now tradition, then followed a remarkable comeback... we equalized and then went ahead for the first time in the game.

Half time came and the team talk was simple - once you have the ball, give it immediately to somebody better than you in the same coloured shirt. It later transpired that this strategy was flawed as MarkT was passed the ball, even we were close to scoring, but unfortunately he was our sweeper ... so we missed several goal scoring opportunities.

As the second half matured, Oxted scored and we responded with another goal, making it 3-2 in our favour. As the salty taste of victory was beginning to congregate in our collective mouths, an incident took place which distracted the team. Joe Payne was seen to wrestle with his marker and by the time we had managed to stop laughing and react to separate them, Joe had him in a half nelson. Both players admitted that they rather enjoyed the closeness of their newly found relationship.

It has subsequently been decided to cancel next week's game and instead watch a bare knuckle contest between Joe 'Bugner' Payne and Moggy, the Boston strangler. Ladies, at this point, I think you'd understand that in these conditions, Size does matter.

Immediately after the restart and with 5 minutes to go, the Saints were penetrated twice in quick succession, making the score 4-3 in favour of Oxted. The final whistle was blown and we all shook hands. Sky had reported at least 5 million viewers and the national grid had seen a surge of demand for electricity at half time. We can only presume this was attributed to tea and muffins being consumed.

Many thanks once again, as we extend our thanks to David Payne for being volunteered to umpire. The man of the match was one of the opposition players...

Next week no game, please bring a stool, or a chair to the Big fight....