Saints 4 - 3 Reigate

Sussex Vets League

On a cold and miserable Saturday afternoon, in a forgotten field, somewhere in Reigate, 11 members of the Saints gathered, like caged tigers. The wind biting into their arthritic bodies, the only comfort offered was watching a ladies rugby match between two locally sponsored teams. The one sponsored by The Clam Slurping Restaurant overcame the opposition, The Carpet Layers 22-14.

After applying several coats of muscle rub, kindly donated by the local YMCA, the boys commenced their pre-match warm up, taking it in turns to sit in Dave Martin's new BMW with the heated seats and an integral back massager fully engaged. A casual sniff of Miss Marmiduke's daughters' muffins was all Henry needed to get the blood pumping and the wild eye (the left one) was seen to return to his aged body.

It was good to see Tom returning back to the field following a rather bizarre injury involving a Pigmy Indian, a Jar of Pickled onions, a small chair and seven glass clear marbles. The whistle blew and battle commenced. Shrieks of delight were heard in some parts of Devon as Miss Miggins and Betty Bimshaw got carried away, as we slipped in the first one. The boys were overcome with emotion and smelling salts were produced for the ladies to aid them in recovering their dignity.

Against the run of play the opposition equalized within 5 minutes. The defence were taken completely by surprise, Gary was deep in conversation with Tariq and Snooks about the merits of wet shaving against the controversial method of plucking. It was later found out that Dave Martin is a habitual plucker as a result of his penchant for cycling.

Steve 'Burley' Watson sustained a groin injury which not only incapacitated him, but left a deep and impressionable memory to all who witnesses his self abuse. He remains in hospital and is looking forward to his new career as a choir boy. A Competition will be held to rename him, favourites are currently Womble or One-Hung Low..

The half time whistle blew, as always Betty Bimshaw produced her now famous Gammon Slices, Tom was heard to mention that the last time he had something so leathery in his mouth was in South Africa when he bought Cape Bultong. Felix surprisingly knew her, and promised to send on his best wishes. Henry was absent from the half time tactical team session, as he had withdrawn to the privacy of the Gentlemen's facility.

The second half commenced, much like the first, with the Saints soaking up pressure and attacking on the break. To the delight of the team our new supporter arrived, albeit late, but she had made an immense effort having left the confines of the secure accommodation. Ms Hilary Miggins had finally blessed us with her presence. She instantly took a liking to Chan, she was later to heard to mention that he reminded her of her fifth husband, who had accidentally died whilst playing a game of twister. She has promised to produce, for next week's game her famous creamy Oyster delight, apparently best served with a sprinkle of pepper and a plastic bib.

As the game drew to an end, the whistle blew and the Saints limped off victorious 4-3. The man of the match was Felix and the Dick of the Day was Burley, who failed to leave the match fee before taking himself to A&E