On a cold wet Saturday the boys gathered quietly and somberly in the public conveniences adjacent to the Sevenoaks astro. All thoughts were on the impending clash of the titans. As the adrenalin levels rose there was much discussion about Strategy, formations, but then we heard something we all feared ... Snooks had failed to clear an obstruction [we all hoped that this was not an omen for the game] in the only toilet available to us. We quickly vacated the premises and duly informed the authorities about the danger posed to young children and small furry animals.

The boys were down to 10 as DG was in transit after only managing to sell a foot stool and a toilet roll holder in the morning at Rusden's. Moggy, Tbag Crems and Rob were all introduced to Mrs. Marmiduke's daughter's muffins as a pre-match nibble, elder and more experienced members of the Saints decided that her mother's traditional ham slices, [A Saints favourite] had gone off recently and as a result left a salty taste in the mouth. I am pleased to announce that I have subsequently discovered Mrs. Betty Bimshaws Gammon delights. She has promised a personal appearance next week and is looking forward to the tasting.

As the rain lashed the pitch the umpire blew his whistle...Battle had commenced! Within 5 minutes Tariq has pulled up, clutching his thigh...another hamstring gone for the Saints! We were effectively down to 9 fit and able bodies. The team pulled together, retaining and keeping possession. Constant pressure by the guys resulted in 2 short corners, both producing goals. DG arrived, and normal business was resumed. The game then became ours, with Moggy experiencing more freedom than he's had since knocking his balls against the wall in the school play-ground in his local youth offenders institution in Feltham.

During half time Tim Cowen entertained the boys with some pocket magic tricks and slight of hand illusions. Tbag ate 4 pasties leaving Felix only to munch on the salty withered ham slices of Mrs.Marmiduke. He was later seen drinking water from puddles around the astro to quench his raging thirst.

The second half commenced with the same determination as was displayed as in the first half, more pressure, more goals...The final score was five to the Saints and one to Sevenoaks. No cards were shown, the game was played in good spirit. The man of the match was Tim Cowen, who ran more miles on the pitch than Richard Leman has put on his new Jaguar.

Scorers: T Cowan, Tbag, Tariq, Moggy 2