With thoughts and minds focussed on the big push, as the season begins to close, the men of the Saints prepared themselves away from the hustle and bustle of press, media and the temptation of Hotel movies, by secluding themselves in a commune of Mongolian midgets in Blackboys, chanting rhythmical sonnets and sucking the occasional Cuban.  Massages and assisted baths were the accepted methodology of relieving the anticipated stress levels of the forthcoming weekend's entertainment.  Matt, interested to learn by the Saint's new and revolutionary preparation of the game, came along as a invited guest.  If anyone has subsequently seen him, please return him to the club directly.

 

At the crack of Dawn on Saturday, the boys arose from their respective beds. It was noticed however at breakfast, that Dave M was smaller than normal and was as wrinkly as a newly born Sharpei puppy, as a direct result of purchasing the 'Greedy Boy' option, of a marathon 12 hour assisted bath extravaganza.  The Team medical officer, Miss Comesoslightly was instantly concerned that he was waterlogged, but assured the management that she could drain him of excessive fluids before the game commenced. 

 

We made our way to a windswept Tunbridge Wells pitch, horizontal wind and rain biting into the exposed flesh of these natural athletes.  Women swooned and mothers fainted as the saints stripped for action, strapping on supportive devices, rubbing in muscle relaxants and sipping on Mrs Miggins' piping hot Oyster soup.  Unfortunately the only receptacle was her Honey pot, but the boys all shared. 

Within 10 minutes of the game commencing AlanD went down - the Saints thought that he was doing his shoe laces up, but after 5 minutes in the same position, we realised something was amiss.  We initially poked him with a stick to ensure that he was still alive and to our combined relief he mumbled something along the lines that the potatoes this year were looking good and he needed to paint his outside toilet.  He'd taken a nasty knock to the head...the one on his shoulders, and as a result was now a 12 year old back in the blitz, with flashbacks of his mis-spent youth. 

Staff nurse Hilary, with all her years of training, immediately put his ankle in a splint and applied pressure to his groin, which was rather surprising, as he'd sustained a head injury, but it seemed to perk him up a little.  The game was stopped as he was led off the pitch and taken by chauffer-driven Jaguar sports to the Kent and Snuffit.  T Snook accompanied him to the hospital and was later heard to comment about the lack of Valet parking and personal nurses, as he is used to in the BUPA healthcare system.  A lovely male nurse called Jeffery immediately took Alan into hand and after a short while discharged him.

 

As this was going on, a game had to be played.  Now down to 9, the Saints were against the wall, and as the pressure mounted and the opposition came in waves, we felt like chickens being choked.  One after the other the opposition scored and we responded with goals to equal the tally.  Half time came as a relief to the team.  The boys politely opted to decline the spit roast, but instead to chew on Mrs. Mayflower's roasted badger. 

 

As the second half commenced, so did the goal rush, both them and us.  For every one they scored, we managed valiantly to equalize.  With only 2 minutes to go, the Saints once again went on the attack and with sublime skill managed to level the scores.  Thousands of travelling supporters went into hysterical cheering, our new life-sized mascot, Spank the Monkey, was seen hugging the Umpire and grown men started to openly shed a tear.

 

The final whistle was blown and hoards of supporters invaded the pitch as the boys were carried off as living Gods.  We returned to the Tunbridge Wells clubhouse for beer and dancing and to thank them for their hospitality.

 

The man of the match was Henry for his contribution, but in fairness the whole team deserve a mention as this was a team victory against the odds.

 

Next week Oxted, tickets will be available on the internet and Sky has pushed the Man United game to Sunday to avoid disappointing our new TV supporters.